Ordinarily, I’m pretty smug and self satisfied about my parenting decisions. I will admit to thinking that I should have handled a particular situation differently, but on the things I’ve deliberately chosen for my family, I have no regrets. I'm also smart enough not to be eating my words, having criticized someone else's parenting and finding myself doing the same thing once I actually had children of my own.
Maybe it’s because I’m so confident in my parenting decisions and because Brooke and I have no intrafamily conflicts about them that I hate to discuss them with other parents. There’s no room for me to talk about how I wish things had been different. Breastfeeding went and goes great. Co-sleeping still works for us. We’d never consider putting a second child in disposable diapers. We’re very pleased with what we feed our vegetarian toddler. Sanna’s carseat and its rear-facing position are ideal as far as we’re concerned. We’re happy with the balance we’ve achieved in teaching manners and social skills while still letting her explore. We’re proud that she has two working moms as role models.
The problem that arises is that Sanna doesn’t watch television, and we don’t want her to. This impacts her interactions with other children—or rather, it could. It might. A mom friend in the neighborhood, the only local mom friend we’ve really made, has proposed that we get together and that maybe our kids could watch “a Disney something.” It makes Brooke and me frustrated enough that Sanna showed us a picture of a lion and announced, “Simba!” presumably from books or images she’s seen at daycare. A movie? I don’t even know what she’d do. I don’t even want to know what she’d do.
It makes me too anxious for what it really is. Television won’t be a part of her daily life while she lives in our home. The world won’t end if she watches one program every few months with a friend. I worry about the gender roles and appeals for licensed characters. I worry about the conformity. I’m far less worried now about the impact on her sensory and spatial processing, although I would like her attention span to continue on its current path. Maybe what I worry about most is that first movie, about Sanna no longer being a kid who has not watched television.
Sidenote: We had to rent a movie for a reading group Brooke is in (the irony is firmly within our grasp), and we went to a video store. While we waited, Sanna pointed at the television and muttered something incomprehensible. It took me several minutes to realize that her utterance of “goovee” was an attempt at saying “movie.” We speak of them so infrequently at home that Sanna needed additional coaching to say the very word.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
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24 comments:
Though it may be inconvenient in some situations (like many alternative parenting choices), the impact it has on your daughter is no small thing. I am so proud of you and Brooke and the decisions you've made for Sanna. It is a real example of how I hope to parent one day. Thanks for sharing and good luck combating the Simbas.
My husband and I are raising our girls without the presence of TV in their lives and there are times we feel like we stick out like a sore thumb. My daughter is the only one at playgroup who has NO clue who Dora is and has never heard the Wiggles sing. She has no licensed characters on her shoes, shirts or jackets. We try very hard to keep all books out of the house with them on it also. I find the stuff EVERYWHERE from underwear to toothpaste.
I wouldn't change the way we raise our girls. We just got back from an 8 hour car drive where my 2 year old sat in the backseat and played contently with her toys the entire time. She does not need a DVD player going to entertain her, she entertains herself.
Kudos to you, just wish you lived closer to us!!
We really try to live our lives Elmo-free (we call it "the red monster"), but Phine sees the thing on a box of Earth's Best kids cereal at Whole Foods and yells "Elmo!"
Also a friend of the family gave us some Dora books. We slipped them into the "to-go" pile before Phine really checked them out.
We're trying to keep our kid unbranded for as long as possible.
Can you further clarify your reasons for avoiding movies? I can understand not wanting Sanna to be inundated by liscensed characters or the issues with conformity and gender roles. Is the movie art form in general a total waste according to you? I'm just curious as to where you draw the line between quality movies (in general, not just kid-friendly movies) and junk.
I am not going to punish you by leaving a Gawd-awful long response here to your post, so I just responded to it on my blog.
It's a kid's view of living with TV (or without it). Hopefully you'll get some peace of mind out of it, seeing that the whole TV issue is bothering you a little.
I wanted Mr. FP without TV as long as possible. And he got shown tv when I wasn't there, regularly (some from my father, who raised me on no tv!!). He watches more tv than I'd like right now, but that's still under 2 hours a day on a heavy day, and we usually try to keep it to not more than half an hour.
We do exclusively dvd and videos (except for watching Michigan football with Daddy) to limit ad exposure. I get most of the video entertainment myself from the library, and aim for older children's shows that no longer have merchandised stuff in the stores, as well as some classic movies (usually screened in parts).
It's a compromise position that I still struggle with, between me not wanting him to be a tv tube kid, him really wanting it, and Eric wanting to share his old favorites. As well as being so tired by evening that he falls asleep as soon as he opens a book.
Sesame Street is the ONLY tv Malka watches. But darnit if that damn evil purple dinosaur hasn't invaded her world. I think they have a book with his picture on it at daycare, and as I was dialing up a sesame street on demand, "his" picture came up, and Malka shouted his name.
le sigh.
I sit in FEAR of the dreaded princess phase. And will do all in my power to avoid it. If we can.
Hey Tracy - does it help that Elmo is really a tall black man? ;) That helps us greatly.
Ms. T, we avoid movies more by chance than anything else. We do have a small subscription to Netflix, and we get mostly old television programs that Brooke and I watch a couple of nights a week after Sanna goes to bed. We're just not movie people.
girlranting, thanks for putting that on your own blog. It's not the first time I've seen a TV-free lifestyle painted with such broad strokes, and God knows it won't be the last. No one seems to remember the well-adjusted kids who grew up TV-free, but I've known many of them myself.
I'm sure there are many well-adjusted children who grew up TV free, but the only TV-less kids I knew were those seldom-seen 2nd cousins.
Mind you, that's my only example of TV free kids, and MANY more than a few of the TV-full kids I knew during my childhood ended up being VERY VERY nasty. VERY.
I'm not saying TV is good or bad. But based on my experience, I think it's a lot more important that you are instilling a love of books and other activities in Sanna than actually worrying too much about her exposure to TV. Stop fretting.
Oh. And I added a disclaimer to my blog entry. I didn't mean for it to sound that tv-less kids were freaks or something, and I realized that's how it sounded after I re-read.
It was just very alien for me as a child to know anyone who didn't watch TV as long as they -owned- one.
Oh, you've misunderstood. I'm not worried about her exposure. My primary anxiety comes from *my* social interactions with other parents regarding television.
Since you're not a parent, you don't know that parents, specifically mothers, experience a fair amount of judgment. I couldn't give two shits what other people think, but I really hate to contribute to the noise other women have to wade through in raising their kids.
I'll argue, as a child of the TV generation, that TV in moderation (as with most things) is not evil. One can grow up with a love of books, and a love of TV. TV and Movies are an artform, and if approached that way, can provide much enrichment.
Not exposing her at all...honestly I find worrisome. Not that she won't be intelligent or able to entertain herself, but that she'll be alienated from her peers for not having similar frames of reference for the popular culture of her cohorts. And unless you are going to surround Sanna with other children who are tv-less, this could potentially be tough on her.
I commend you for your conviction, and I don't disagree that too much tv is a bad thing. The issue (and decisions we've made) for me is that NONE deprives them as well.
i had a great interaction with my brother today about tv. on telling him about the dvr i just got he made some comment about not just enjoying tv and i said to him "we're tv watchers" yep. we sure are. this is one of our connections. it's something i've recently begun to cop too - that' i'm a tv watcher. and it's okay.
because we're also - lets go out and hike, golf, play ultimate frisbee, get a phd, travel to israel as part of a peace delegation, and.. lots of other stuff that i do, that my brother does, that my family does. crazy. i realized tonight that we like to play hard, and then veg hard.
i am not a mom yet, but i plan to be. and my kid will watch tv, though i will try to avoid characters as much as possible - except for sesame street. i'll probably ban disney from my home. and encourage books - we're a family of waay too many degrees not too have books just every where - and being outside, playing with the cats.
and so my point. i'm glad you've found what works for you. for me i'll find what works for me. in the world i hope to move back into after leaving utah i hope to move back into a world more like yours - non-tv watchers were i will be the odd one out (thats the world i left behind in eugene). and for me, what i hope is that people will just respect the choices i'm making for me and my hopefully-to-have kid.
Granted, I'm not a mom, I wish I was though! But I did grow up listening to the bunch of garbage thrown at my mom/aunts/cousins who had kids (I'm one of the eldest in the whole extended family, even having an aunt only 8 years older than me). So I sort of know what you're talking about, although I didn't experience it firsthand.
Me? Knowing (by watching) that being a mom is hard enough as it is, I try to not judge. Just to learn from the example of others, things I deem to be worthwhile for when I decide to have a kid.
From watching how healthy my older half-sister is I decided to breastfeed my future kid(s) up until they're 3 if I can.
From reading you and talking to my mom I've decided to cloth diaper.
I really wish I had the discipline and willpower to raise a child (or at least BE) vegetarian, but unfortunately I'm too lazy to balance a diet without meat. I do believe being vegetarian is better for you, up to the point that I was vegetarian for a year of my life, but I just really couldn't handle it.
As for TV? When the time comes, I plan on my kid(s) being pretty much TV less (if I can manage it) up until AFTER they learn to read. And even then, it won't be TV, TV, but more like movies I loved as a kid and that I feel bring something worthwhile into their lives. As I said, I don't really like TV all that much.
I really try not to judge, I just present my own experience and how I lived it, just for the sake of a different point of view.
All in all, the only person that knows what's best for YOUR child are YOU and your partner. Let the other mothers let off steam, maybe that makes them feel good about themselves. Maybe they feel superior that way. Whatever. Just dont let it bother you, or you'll go nuts. Keep being your laid back self :)
I struggle with the decisions to make around TV. As someone who grew up in front of the TV, I truly believe it contributes to sensory and learning issues. This is not scientific, just what I believe. I also think that there are some amazing programs, like documentaries and nature shows, that are worthwhile. We will probably end up renting those. I also have issues around gender depiction and licensed characters! Though I do believe a trip to Disneyland can be magical, at any age. I am conflicted.
This post got me started off on a TV-tangent post on my blog as well. But it wasn't really about wee kids and TV.
What I wonder is if it really matters socially if a kid doesn't watch TV, and if so, is that a lot different than it was in the 80s? I didn't have access to much TV as a kid, and I don't ever remember it being an issue. Maybe the difference is with social surroundings or something, I don't know.
sorry, the anonymous post is from me.
southwesterngemini on FF, RC and IVP
http://hereticalhedonism.wordpress.com/
When I was little, my TV privileges included only Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, plus occasional father-daughter bonding over a Conan the Barbarian cartoon. My parents started fretting when I came home from preschool yammering about all the shows the other kids watched, but apparently I didn't actually want to watch those shows... it was just a lot of developmentally appropriate imitation.
When I was a little older, my parents let me watch up to an hour of TV a day (not counting Tom Brokaw or 60 Minutes), but my viewing choices were mostly limited by the fact that we didn't have cable. My parents taught me to be skeptical of overly commercialized stuff, but they also trusted me to make my own choices about that hour.
Mrs. Gerbil, on the other hand, was forbidden to watch any TV station with commercials (i.e., anything but PBS) for many years. Though we're only 5 months apart in age, our experiences of the 80s were very, very different. Personally, I think she missed a lot of the 80s as a result of the TV rules!
For our child, we are leaning more toward my parents' approach than hers. Of course, as the baby's not due for another 2 weeks, it will be a while before he/she learns to use the remote...
We do have a TV at home. It is on a lot, but it is never on kids shows. My H and i are trying to keep commercialized characters and ideas (princess theme, gag) out of her mind as much as possible. This is mostly because of the extreme push to buy things that are not needed. She has no idea who Elmo is or who lives on sesame street. I do not feel that those programs are inherently "bad" it is the spin off merchandise that i loath.
As for your concirns about other mothers interactions, well, how od you deal with poeple that ask about YOUR TV viewing? You know, the "American Idol" followers who comment on who will be the next kicked off. How do you handle their reaction when you tell them you don't watch that show? It should be no different than how you would handle parents talking about Sana's tv viewing.
You 2 are doing a great job sticking to your beliefs in raising Sana. Just show your confidence to anyone who dare question you......
Wendie (mrsboyko)
When I was a kid, my parents had no rules about TV really. (I don't think the impact of it on my life even occurred to them.) But I never watched, much preferring to play outdoors or read. One day, while my mother was driving a group of us to school, someone mentioned Fonzi. When I didn't know who that was, I was teased emphatically.
My mother actually suggested I started watching shows so that I could "fit in more."
What a world.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any less anxious about the gender role conformity issue: when I was 10 or 11, I wrote a mini-manifesto (on a manual typewriter!) about the lack of strong female cartoon characters in early 90's TV, and about the ridiculous waist-to-hip ratios of those female characters who did exist.
Sanna seems like a pretty smart little girl. I'll bet she'll be a budding social critic in no time :)
Montessori education is all about little or no tv and absolutely NO disney characters-on school bags etc too! Might want to consider that.
At the same time, everything can be used as a tool. We have friends that dont' have tv/cable but do watch occasional movies.
:)You are super parents!
Lo
I don't know about Montessori, but Waldorf is very no media exposure for young children until 5th or 6th grade as they believe it hinders creativity and imagination becasue children act out what they see, which isn't original thought or ideas. I don't own a TV, have no plans to get one, and my almost 5 year old daughter is FINE. She doesn't ask for all things Disney, since she is unaware of it, she has a long attention span, and can entertain herself for hours. Many people that toss their TV are very very glad they did. So go to it! And look for some Waldorf schools/home nurseries/play groups in your area; you will meet other TV-free folks that way.
I beleive that no TV is a good thing to have for a long time with children, but I don't think that gender roles and such being introduced thru media (be it book, movie, or otherwise is terrible).
I was a big fan of Fairy Princesses as a child and was sent to an all girls school where the nuns pushed preparation for SAHMotherhood. As an adult? I'm the breadwinner Mom and have spent my career in male dominated feilds. As a teen I was a tomboy to the nth degree (feild hockey...nuff said).
It's totally up to your kid and how they feel growing up.
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